Sadly

Sadly, sex sells -- substituting salacious stimulation simply subverts sophisticated study since someone so subjected seldom shows serious self-scrutiny.

Bars

I find it funny that the stereotypical place to meet people is where you can barely hear what is said and everyone's judgment is impaired.

The Infinite Baby Scenario

One of the most silly ramifications of a theory of an infinite number of universes finally made it sink in. You've likely heard of the Infinite Monkey Theorem, which states that "infinite monkeys typing on an infinite number of typewriters will eventually reproduce the works of shakespeare." You might also have heard of the Simulation Hypothesis, which argues that reality can be, and very likely is, merely a simulation in a sufficiently advanced computer.

The ramification of these two theories combined is that if there are an infinite number of universes, then there is a universe in which all of known reality is merely a simulation which has been created by babies typing randomly on keyboards.

The entirety of your existence is the result of a toddler banging on a typewriter. Life makes so much more sense now, doesn't it?

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold

Andrew Jackson was one of the most extreme paper-currency-hating presidents we've had. He completely dismantled the national bank of his time, banned the use of paper currency to purchase land, and now? He's on the $20 bill.

That's over 8 billion little metaphorical middle fingers currently in circulation around the world, completely unbeknownst to most. It took almost a hundred years for the treasury department to get back at Jackson, but man, they got him good.

Knees and Toes Body Wash

P&G should make a body wash called "Knees and Toes" to go with their "Head and Shoulders" shampoo.

Alphabet

The word "Alphabet" comes from the Greek letters alpha and beta, the first two letters of their alphabet. Since we don't use the Greek letters, why isn't our alphabet just called the "Ab" or "Abe"?

Panhandling in a Post-Banknote Economy

Will begging die out when everyone only carries credit cards?

Tobacco Juggernaut

In 2010, the combined profits of the six leading tobacco companies was U.S. $35.1 billion, equal to the combined profits of Coca-Cola, Microsoft, and McDonald’s in the same year.

The Redundancy of Red Robin

Red Robin is a bit of a silly name, as all robins are red or reddish orange. It'd be like saying "Orange Orange Juice."

Taking Children's Songs (Way Too) Literally - Down by the Bay

The song "Down by the Bay" is quite sad, when you think about it. The lyrics are as follows:

Down by the bay,

Where the watermelons grow,

Back to my home,

I dare not go,

For if I do,

My mother will say

Did you ever see [some ridiculous object/animal performing a ridiculous action]

What a horrific childhood - a child, terrified to return home because of their mother. Is this fear really caused by the mother's ridiculous questioning or is the questioning merely the tip of the far darker insanity which truly petrifies the child? Children are frequently receptive to concepts which adults might consider to be nonsense, as is evinced by the popularity of this very song. It would be very strange indeed for silly questions alone to cause such a deep-seated fear that a child would feel driven away from the primary place most children find safety and comfort: the home.  

Further investigating the song's relation to the home, I am struck by more subtle train of thought running through this song. What is the significance of the home's proximity to watermelons and to a bay? Watermelons typically grow in sandy soil; is this an indication of a house built on literal unstable ground or merely a metaphor for the emotional instability which underlies the child's household? Geographically, the relation to a bay indicates that the household is barely above water, perhaps inexorably sliding into the bay due to erosion of the sandy soil upon which it is built. When viewed alongside the more obviously threatening figure of the mother, this song's true purpose crystallizes. "Down by the Bay" is clearly a cry for help from a child who has no other means of expressing their plight but through cheerful song.

Indeed, the song relates increasingly ridiculous situations in an effort to grab the attention of adults who might otherwise tune out a child's requests. By couching the cry for help in such an absurd manner, the child is hoping that any adult confused by the propositions presented might notice the twisted situation underlying the entirety of the song. Truly, the fact that our culture has accepted this cry for help from an abused child as merely another fun playtime activity shows the depravity to which we have all become numb.